The Canonical Answers

[dr_tectonic]

Just in case you ever need them, here are the canonical answers to a variety of questions. These are hand-crafted artisanal answers, laboratory-tested for best effect. They can be applied to any question of the appropriate form.

The first, and most important one, is that if someone asks "Can I ask you a question?" the canonical answer is "Is it in French? Because I don't speak French."

Question: "How do I... ?"
Answer: "Integrate and divide by 5."

Question: "What should I do with [some object]?"
Answer: "Set it on fire, throw it in the Charles [River]."

Question: "Where is...?"
Answer: "I ate it," unless the object in question is actually consumable or a person, in which case the answer is "He/She/It evaporated."

Question: "Why...?"
Answer: "To spite you."

Question: "How come...?"
Answer: "Because God hates you."

(Note: these two answers are actually interchangeable in certain circumstances, but the rules governing the exchange are complicated and I won't go into them here.)

Question: "Who [did some action]?"
Answer: "It's all Bradley's fault." (Bradley being finagler. Don't worry if you have no idea who he is; it's still his fault. Our testers are currently evaluating whether this answer should be replaced with "It's all Perlick's fault." We will send out a recall notice if this canonical answer proves to be more effective.)

Question: "When..."
Answer: "Last Tuesday," unless last Tuesday is a plausibly the date in question, in which case the answer is "The late Proterozoic."

I may have left some out. Please speak up if you know of other canonical answers that I didn't mention!

Comments

[dpolicar]

"Why did we...?"
"We were smoking crack."

[dr-tectonic.livejournal.com]

Of course! How could I have forgotten that one?

[dpolicar]

Alien mind-control lasers.

[k8cre8.livejournal.com]

That Question and Answer might have to be submitted to the canon...

[nehrlich.livejournal.com]

Yay! Thanks for posting these!

Except that it's _definitely_ Bradley's fault. Even if you claim it's my fault, I can plausibly be blamed on Bradley, so it's still all his fault.

[dr-tectonic.livejournal.com]

The accuracy of an answer has nothing to do with whether or not it is the correct answer to that class of question. You'll have to present this argument to the Canonical Answer Revision Team and see what they have to say.

[thedragonweaver.livejournal.com]

Hooray! I've wanted this list for a while.

Though honestly, the answer to #5 has morphed into, "I ate it, burp."

Bonus Hidden Question

[baronet.livejournal.com]

Ahhh, I have caught you. You accidentally revealed the existence of the secret hidden bonus question. "Where is...?" can only be the fifth canonical question in this post, if there is a hidden one before it to supplement "Can I ask you a question?", "How do I...?" and "What should we do with [some object]?"

So having revealed its existence, you should go ahead and spill the entire bean. What is the secret hidden bonus canonical question?

Re: Bonus Hidden Question

[0nce-and-future.livejournal.com]

It's simple, the answer to "Where is...?" is: "In my aaaaaaaaassssss" (yes, long and drawn out like that)

Re: Bonus Hidden Question

[0nce-and-future.livejournal.com]

Or at least that used to be the answer...

Bonus why answer!

[toosuto.livejournal.com]

Question: "Why are you talking?"
Answer: (cheerfully) "Seven!"

Re: Bonus why answer!

[dr-tectonic.livejournal.com]

I don't know how that one could have slipped my mind.

Re: Bonus why answer!

[k8cre8.livejournal.com]

Alien mind-control lasers.

See!

[drdeleto.livejournal.com]

Are immaturely crude answers valid? Like "Where is...?" answered by "If it was up your butt you'd know it"?

Hmm?

[dr-tectonic.livejournal.com]

Well, immaturely crude answers are always appropriate, but they're not canonical unless they're one of the immaturely crude answers on the list...

[drdeleto.livejournal.com]

We crudists won't be oppressed by you canonists. I bet all those answers were created by white, male tools of the patriarchy.

[snowninja7.livejournal.com]

You're definitely forgetting:
Q: "What's up?"
A: "East cross North."

Q: "Are we there yet?"
A: "Yes!" (continue driving) "Get out of the car."

And I generally find it's all Hands's fault. Or sometimes Uboat's or Jofish's fault. Depends on who's not around.

[nehrlich.livejournal.com]

I think this may be one of those generation-dependent answers. Sort of like "It's Lucky's (Scooter's/Sawyer's) birthday!!!"

And, wow, I can be on the other coast, but I'm still considered to be around? Wacky.

[snowninja7.livejournal.com]

Please note that Jofish lives in NY, and Hands in Puerto Rico.

Location is irrelevant- it's just more often their fault than yours.

[dr-tectonic.livejournal.com]

Indubitably!

[thedragonweaver.livejournal.com]

"How much longer?"
"Fifteen minutes."

"How much farther?"
"Four more miles."

Non-canonical, but the standard answers my parents always gave when we asked those questions on a trip. I eventually gave up and learned to interpret street signs.

[thatwesguy.livejournal.com]

I find "east cross north" to be at least an order of magnitude funnier than "What's new?" "c over lambda." ...even though they are more or less the same joke.

[bryree.livejournal.com]

Though currently extra-canonical, and submitted by a researcher not officially sanctioned by the Church of the Shared ExperienceTM, I humbly offer the following for consideration:

Q: "You know what's funny"
A: "Monkeys."

[dr-tectonic.livejournal.com]

Actually, I just heard back from the New Answer Evaluation Committee, and apparently that one has been fast-tracked for approval.

[ocschwar.livejournal.com]

"Why don't they ..."

"Money."

[melted-snowball.livejournal.com]

"Who do I talk to about ...?"
"The guy down the hallway."

[chaosqueen42.livejournal.com]

"I have a question...."
"I have an answer. Would you like the answer first? Rutabega, unless it rains."